


Good Intentions, Bad Ideas

by doliumpraedonum



Category: Naruto
Genre: Crack, High School AU, M/M, Some hand jobs, at the end, holiday fic, maybe some blowing, totes ridiculous
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-25
Updated: 2016-12-25
Packaged: 2018-09-11 21:19:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,884
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9028639
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/doliumpraedonum/pseuds/doliumpraedonum
Summary: Gift fic for the SasuNaru exchange on tumblr; Sakura is rejected by Sasuke, breaking her heart. Naruto seeks to correct that wrong, but finds something else instead.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [milkdaze (flowerstems)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/flowerstems/gifts).



> Holiday gift fic for the SasuNaru secret santa on Tumblr, written for MilkDaze! I was so happy to participate in this! I hope you enjoy it. Crack-ish, meant to be so very silly, and hopefully a nice read. As we go through you’ll be able to spot the other prompts :3 I apologize in advance for my attempt at humor and lack of editing. Also! 18+ In this at the end, but there is a warning! So if you don’t want to read about randy teenagers, just stop there.

**Part 1** : _The Besmirch-en-ing_

Naruto stretched and yawned in his bed, blinking blearily at the light fluttering into the room through the window. The blinds hadn’t been completely closed and he found himself somewhat blinded as he groped around the bed in search of his phone. It buzzed and blasted out one of his favorite Macklemore songs. The beats always woke him up in a good mood. He didn’t turn off the alarm, but turned the volume down and felt his head bounce along a little as he thought about the dream he just had.

Him and his friends had been locked in the school cafeteria, trying to defend it from the zombies fighting their way inside.

“ _Naruto_!” His mother shouted from downstairs, “ _It’s time to get up! You’re not going to be late for school again!_ ”

“I’m getting up!” Naruto hollered down to her, jumping out of bed. He grabbed a pair of dark jeans from his drawer after remembering the ones he wore yesterday had gotten soaked when he crashed through a puddle of what he _thought_ was ice; it was, in fact, slush. He picked up a couple t-shirts off the ground, sniffed to determine the cleanliness, and finally settled with the Orange Goblin shirt he got for his 18th a few months ago. He took the stairs two at a time till he landed in the kitchen, startling his mom who nearly spilt her coffee.

“I don’t know why you sleep in till the last possible second when you can wake up with this much energy,” Kushina said, shaking her head.

From behind him, Minato peered around the staircase. “Perhaps he has the energy because he sleeps in.”

 She put a hand on her hip. “Thanks, oh wise one.”

 They kissed their good mornings and Naruto ducked into the kitchen to grab some breakfast. While he ate, he bantered lightly with his mom and dad, talking about holiday plans and what he would be doing when winter break started in two days. Kushina pointed at him, giving her best mother-look.

 “Naruto Uzumaki, you will tell me if you get any homework to do over the break. And if you try to hide it from me, I _will_ unleash my wrath. Are we clear?”

Naruto gulped, but thankfully his father stepped in and place a hand lovingly over his wife’s angry pointing.

“Now Kushina, I don’t think we should start the punishment before he has even committed a crime, right?”

She pouted. “Fine. Alright Naruto, go to school.”

“Don’t need to tell me twice!” Naruto leapt up from the counter, leaving his bowl and jumping into his boots. He swiped his winter coat off the hook, threw on his backpack, and took off toward school on his skateboard.

Their house was just a mile from the high school, and it never took him long to make it there. He passed by the familiar houses, whizzing through the unusually biting December air and checking out the Christmas lights and gaudy decorations. He loved Christmas. The lights, the occasional snow, the break from school and most of all, time with his family. A few years ago, when his father left his day job to help Kushina start her own business, their family struggled. Kushina was hit with a lawsuit over false accusations, and although it ended well, she was forced to halt work and pay court fees. That season had been somber, but Christmas day he still had his family, and that was all that mattered. 

He looked up into the sky at the uniform, gray clouds, wondering if it was going to snow.

When Naruto got to the school, he ditched his skateboard in his locker and went to the third floor for this first class of the day; Health, with Hatake Kakashi. Despite the fact that the teacher was a total weirdo, and even though he was almost always paired with his rival, Naruto really liked the class. Kakashi was super informal, always late, and didn’t care much what went on the in class. Best of all, most of his friends were there.

He sat down in his usual seat between Kiba and Shino.

“Hey dudes,” He greeted.

“What’s up?” Kiba nodded to him. “We didn’t have homework, right?”

“Oh shit, I don’t know.”

“We do not. Why? Because Kakashi doesn’t want to grade it over his break,” Shino told them from behind his scarf.

Kiba and Naruto high fived, just as the classroom door opened. Kakashi walked in with his messy, silvery hair that stuck up at all angles, mismatched eyes, and the cough mask he always wore. (When a certain socially impaired boy with huge eyebrows and no fashion sense asked him why, Kakashi had simply answered; “Teenagers are gross.”) Yes, he was the visual equivalent of a super villain, but he was alright.

Most of the class was taken up doing research for the paper that would be due at the beginning of next year, with Kiba and Naruto making plans to game over the holiday. At the best of times, they didn’t have great focus, much to the chagrin of their fellow classmates. He and Kiba weren’t exactly quiet and served as quite the distraction.

Kakashi came over to stand beside them after a particularly loud round of laughter at a vine Lee had made demonstrating how to ‘properly’ fight in icy conditions.

“If either of you boys are interested, I seem to be picking up killing intent from your friend Sakura over there.” He pointed behind them with an overly cheerful expression on his face.

They both stopped laughing and slowly turned to see Sakura glaring daggers at them from where she sat between Ino and Sasuke. 

The fear Naruto had felt at the expression on Sakura's face was immediately replaced by irritation. He hated Sasuke. He had hated Sasuke since the day they met. He was a selfish asshole who thought he was better than everyone else; especially Naruto. For years all the girls thought he was the hottest guy in school, and he wouldn’t even talk to them! It seemed like the only person Sasuke would talk to was Naruto, but it was only to argue. Sasuke was the first person to call him stupid, or loud, or annoying. Granted, in the occasional fit of introspectiveness, Naruto could admit that his ADHD motivate him in directions that were typically deemed ‘annoying’, ‘loud’, and few other choice adjectives from various teachers throughout the years. Indeed, he could accept this. What he could not accept, however, was someone who rejected everything Naruto held dear. Where Sasuke ignored everyone in the world, he seemed to devote just as much energy into antagonizing Naruto; everything Naruto said, Sasuke had a counter. They bickered in every class they shared, and averaged one fight per term.

Naruto heard his mother joking once about how the teachers are going to come after her and Minato for reparations for the wages lost to therapy.

He knew it was petty, because he never found a true reason to fault Sasuke. And maybe that was it; he was just so angry that anyone could be that perfect. But the thrill he got from fighting with Sasuke was something that had never left him, and no matter what bargains he struck with Sakura, or the teachers, or his mother, he couldn’t quit.

He stuck his tongue out at Sasuke, who smirked at him.

“Fail the class if you want to, dobe. At least you wont follow us to college.”

“You suck so hard I just came, asshole.”

Kakashi put a hand on his shoulder, effectively breaking the intensity between the two boys. He looked down at Naruto with his eyes arched in unholy calm. “Naruto. If you wish you enjoy your spring break without me informing your mother you managed to rack up 3 weeks of detention, you will cease your vulgarity.” 

Naruto was frustrated, but the flush on Sasuke’s face was worth letting it go for now.

Kiba leaned over and whispered to him when Kakashi walked away. “Psst, dude, why is Sasuke blushing?”

Naruto shrugged. “Prissy Sasuke probably isn’t used to ‘vulgarity’ like that.”

Kiba rolled his eyes. “Sure, because you’ve never said shit like that to him before.”

The bell rang, and Naruto got up irritably. “Whatever.”

They left for gym with Gai, which was easy enough. They were in a team sport section, so the class was one long game of basketball. Naruto grumbled about being on the same team as Sasuke, since that meant they couldn’t compete and he couldn’t sneakily pull any illegal punches. Sasuke managed to circumvent those issues by passing him the ball with more force than necessary, when Naruto wasn’t looking, successfully catching him upside the head an embarrassing number of times.

Poor Gai tried benching the both of them, but that cause him to have to ref the game as well as the bench. Almost exhausting his youthful energy, he switched them out alternately and ended up letting everyone leave early to lunch. 

Naruto immediately remembered his dream and regaled his uninterested friends with the tale. Kiba was just starting yet another conversation about apocalyptic survival when Naruto noticed that Sakura wasn’t at the table with them. He looked around, finding her sitting alone on the bench by the exit. It seemed like she was crying, or close to.

He tossed an excuse to his friends, and went over to her.

“Hey Sakura, what’s wrong?”

She didn’t even look up at him.

“Nothing.” Sakura said quietly, but her trembling voice betrayed her. 

The bell rang, and the passing time music started to play. Naruto frowned, sitting next to her when she didn’t get up to go to class.

“Come on, let’s ditch.”

Sakura sniffled and glared at him through red rimmed eyes. “Naruto..."

“It’s just economics. We already have that homework and it’s not like you pay attention in class anyway.” When she still looked at him with a hesitation, he added, “Come on, I know you’re too smart for that class.” 

She snorted, wiping at her cheek. “Yeah, me and everyone else in the school.”

“So let’s go!” He jumped up, and extended a hand down to her with his megawatt smile.

The corner of her mouth ticked up, and she accepted his hand.

“Alright! Here, I gotta do one thing real fast, but then I’ll be back. Okay? I won't be gone more than like, a minute.”

Sakura nodded, and he took off down the hall. She felt stupid for being upset over something so trivial, but before she could change her mind and try to suck it up, Naruto came sprinting back toward her. He didn’t stop, just slowed and allowed her to pick up her purse and follow after him, out into the chilly December air. Naruto was talking animatedly about Kiba falling on his ass on the icy patch at the front of the school, effectively distracting her as they made their way off campus.

They walked the few short blocks to a shopping center. “Do you need anything?” Naruto asked, gesturing to the stores.

Sakura had stopped crying, but her eyes were still a little puffy and her expression was dismal. She sighed a little. “I told mom I’d help her pick out a couple stocking stuffers.. Maybe we could walk around in there for a while?”

She pointed to Market of Choice, a ‘local only’ grocery store. Naruto knew it had lots of little local-made trinkets and gifts, because his mom could spend hours combing through them. 

He hated that store, but he gave Sakura a big thumbs up and lead the way across the street.

They slipped into the store unnoticed by the staff, who were busy with the holiday shoppers. They didn’t usually care if students came in, especially around lunch time, but Naruto and co had gotten a little too rowdy once with some _hilariously_ shaped vegetables and received a scolding a few weeks ago. He had been avoiding the store since then. 

Sakura went to the local wares aisle and started looking around. She frowned, as though she wasn’t pleased with their selection, so Naruto picked up the coolest item he could find.

“What about this?”

He handed Sakura a 4-in-1 utility pen that operated as a ruler, level, and philips head screw driver as well as a writing utensil.

 “Naruto. I’m not buying a four dollar pen,” She said matter-of-factly while pushing the pen back into his hand.

“Aw, come on. It’s 4-in-1! That’s like, a dollar per thing. That’s a deal!” 

Sakura shook her head, smiling. “Thanks, Naruto.”

He made a confused face. “What?”

“Thank you for..bringing me here. Thanks for caring that I was upset.”

“Ohh,” He flashed her a big grin and put an arm around her as they continued to walk through the aisles. “That’s no problem, Sakura. ‘Tis the season, or something.”

She elbowed him lightly in the stomach, rolling her eyes. “You just wanted an excuse to skip school.”

He mocked injury, but she ignored him in favor of examining some chocolates shaped like snowmen. Naruto looked at her from the corner of his eye as he casually leaned against the shelving.

“Sooo,” he began. “Do you wanna tell me what happened?”

Sakura immediately frowned. She looked like she might say something snippy, but instead let out a sigh. “No. Not really.”

Naruto shrugged. “S’okay. You don’t have to.”

“It’s just..it’s stupid.”

He shrugged again. “Yeah, usually it’s stupid stuff that makes us cry.”

Sakura smacked his arm. “Don’t be an asshole.” 

He smirked down at her, ruffling her hair like a little sister. “I’m kidding. It’s probably not that stupid, if it made a tough chick like you cry.” 

She got an insecure look on her face that told him she wasn’t so sure. Tears welled up her eyes again and she wiped them roughly away. “Ugh. I asked Sasuke if we could maybe spend some time together during Christmas break, and he said no.”

 Naruto felt anger flare inside himself. “What! That asshole Uchiha is the reason you’re crying?” 

Sakura screwed up her face. “Naruto, don’t you go starting another fight with him just because of your stupid rivalry!”

“It wouldn’t be because of that! It would be because he made you cry!”

“Just shut up, Naruto! It’s my fault anyway.” Her face took on that defeated quality again. “I know he doesn’t like me. I don’t even know why I asked...he’s never shown any interest in me I just…”

Sakura made an angry sound and a tear fell down her cheek.

“Do you want a hug?” He asked with trepidation; Sakura was stronger than she looked, and when she was angry she was violent.

She nodded, faceplanting into his chest. He wrapped an arm around her with some awkwardness, petting her head.

After a while she pulled away, wiping the last tears away. “Thanks, Naruto.”

He rubbed at the back of his head. “Yeah, uh..no problem.”

 Sakura bit her lip, looking back at him. “Promise me something?”

“Uh..what is it?”

“I know it’s stupid to ask you to promise never to fight Sasuke again, but...will you promise not to fight him over this?”

 Naruto frowned,for that had been exactly what he wanted to do. He heaved a great sigh at the look on her face and relented. “Alright Sakura. I never break a promise.”

She reached up and pinched his cheek affectionately. “Thanks, Naruto." 

After a little more shopping, they headed back to the school. As they walked, Naruto noticed his companion was slumping once again.

“What’s wrong?”

She huffed a bit. “I just feel stupid. I’m going to get in trouble for missing economics, over a stupid..guy.”

Naruto flashed her a brilliant grin and a thumbs up that could rival Gai’s. “Don’t worry about it! I gave her a note that I forged Tsunade’s signature on. We were excused for ‘as long as we needed’.”

Sakura’s expression went from surprise to delight. “Naruto! I should have known, you are such a good little delinquent.” 

“Haha, it’s like I’ve been doing this awhile or something,” He said, winking at her.

 

  
**Part 2** : _We Didn’t Start the Prank War_

 

Naruto only had one more class before the day was out, and thankfully it was Sasuke-free. He didn’t want to break his promise to Sakura, but he couldn’t stop thinking about what had happened between one of his oldest friends and his oldest rival.

Sakura was awesome. How could he reject her so coldly like that?

Well, to be fair, Naruto wasn’t sure how cold it was, since he didn’t see it. But over the years, Naruto _had_ seen Sasuke shut girls down with all the emotional sensitivity of a dead barracuda.

 “Naruto?”

“Huh?” Naruto’s head shot up from where he had been daydreaming to see Kiba and Shikamaru standing in front of his desk.

 

“Schools out. Feel like leaving?” Shikamaru asked sardonically. 

“Yeah, dork, you were totally spaced out.” 

“Shut up,” Naruto ducked at the Kiba’s hand that had come out to smack the back of his head, trying to delete from his mind the fact that he had just wasted an entire class period thinking about Sasuke.

“So are you coming over?” Kiba asked as they walked out the door together. “We were gonna play some video games.”

“Oh, hell yeah!” Naruto cheered. “I’ll let my mom know.” 

He pulled out his phone and shot a text to his parents as they filed out of the building together, picking up Chouji on their way out. When they all piled into Kiba’s old Subaru, Naruto nudged his shoulder.

 “Hey man, can I ask you about something?”

Chouji turned to him, “Is this about you skipping economics with a crying Sakura?”

Kiba jumped on it. “Dude! You were with Sakura? What happened?” He turned to Shikamaru. “I told you, testing out of economics was a bad idea. That’s where the good shit happens.”

Shikamaru snorted. “That’s only because the class is too easy and everyone is bored and obnoxious.”

“Guuuys~” Naruto whined. “I’m serious!"

“Yeah man! Tell me what happened.”

“Well,” Naruto scratched as his cheek, not wanting to betray Sakura’s confidence, but still feeling a need to talk about what happened. So he said as much. “What happened to Sakura isn’t really my business to tell, but uh, I don’t really know what to do about it.”

“That gives me like, no details,” Kiba said in a bored tone.

Chouji, however, shot him a dirty look. “Kiba, Naruto is bothered by something. If you tell anyone what is said here I will tell your sister about the time you had sex in her car.”

Kiba’s eyes went wide, “You _wouldn’t.”_

Chouji smirked. “Go ahead, Naruto.”

Naruto blinked at Chouji’s uncharacteristic outburst. “Uh..thanks. Well, I guess Sakura finally asked Sasuke out.”

“Ooh,” Chouji made a face like he knew where this was heading.

Even Kiba managed to whisper, “Yikes.” 

“Yeah..he wasn’t exactly prince ‘I don’t have a stick up my ass’ about it. Anyway, she was super upset, but she blames herself. She made me promise not to beat him up. But, ugh!” Naruto threw his hands up in frustration. “I’m so pissed off at that asshole!”

Kiba pulled into his driveway, and threw the car in park before turning around and leaning his arm on over the back of his seat. “Well, a fistfight isn’t the only way to get back at Sasuke.”

Naruto frowned. “What do you mean?”

“You could prank him.” Kiba offered as they piled out of the car and started setting up to game in Kiba’s living room. His mom and sister weren’t home yet, so they continued talking candidly.

“Hm, that..that could work!”

Shikamaru rolled his eyes at his friends. “Really? What are you going to do?”

Kiba tapped his chin like he was thinking hard. It accentuated his youthfulness. “We could fuck with his locker. Something sticky or gross on the latch?" 

“Gooped! Classic.” Naruto cackled. “We could swap his gym clothes with a girls uniform! I’m sure I could get one out of the lost and found.”

“What about a glitter bomb? We could slip a letter into his locker full of the stuff.”

Chouji shuddered. “That stuff is so hard to get off...it was in my hair for a week when you guys did that to me in middle school.”

Naruto laughed at the memory, already feeling much better about this situation. Kiba kept going, and Naruto made a mental list.

“Doesn’t he usually sit in the same seat? We could unscrew the desk or something so it falls when he tries using it.”

Shikamaru sighed, but contributed. “If you’re set on doing this, you could put snap-its under the legs of the seat. The pressure of him sitting down will active the chemical reaction.”

Naruto clapped Shikamaru on the shoulder. “Excellent! That’s the Shika I know." 

Kiba stretched on one of the couches. “You guys remember that one time we put kool aid powder in all the shower heads? Man, that was awesome.”

They lapsed into nostalgia, which then prompted some discussion of what their senior prank should be, as they played Madden alternately until everyone was called home. As Naruto skated home in what he was sure must be below freezing temperatures, he let his excitement build as he thought of the look on Sasuke’s face when he made his life a little slice of Hell.

But it wasn’t meant to be; The next morning Naruto’s neighborhood and the surrounding area was coated in three inches of fresh, powdery snow. Just as he had gotten back in bed, there was a knock on his door. 

“Come in.”

Kushina poked her head into the room. “Good news sweetie! Looks like your winter break is starting early. Want to sleep in?” 

He nodded, trying not to let his disappointment show (it might give his mother a heart attack if she thought her child was unhappy to be legally skipping school), even forcing a yawn.

“Since you were scheduled for school today, your father and I still have work. We’ll be leaving in a little bit, but there’s stuff for lunch in the fridge for when you get hungry. Feel free to go visit friends, but check in with me before you leave the house?”

 “Sure, mom.”

 She gave him a warm smile. “Love you.” 

“Love you, too.”

Naruto stayed in bed, listening to the sounds of his parents bustling around the kitchen getting ready for work and thinking of what to do. He’d had his heart set on pranking Sasuke at school; he couldn’t stand idly by and let Sakura’s honor be besmirched.

Besmirched? Where the hell had that come from. Dammit Naruto, focus!

He shook his head and jumped out of bed, dialing Kiba.

A groggy, grumpy voice answered. “What the fuuuck, Naruto. It’s a snow day.”

“How’d you know it was me? I know you don’t read anything before 9AM.” 

“Your ringtone is _Baby Got Back.”_  

Naruto blinked. “Why?” 

He yawned. “It's your stripper song.” 

“...oh-kay, glossing over that. It’s a snow day.” 

“Yeah, I know that's why I’m in bed.” Kiba grouched. “Why does it sound like you’re complaining?”

“Because! I won't be able to prank Sasuke now and Sakura’s besmirched honor will go unavenged!”

There was a muffled curse from the other end of the phone. “Seriously? You are seriously ruining my sleeping in because of this?”

“Kiba, this is serious business I-” 

“CALL A FUCKING PIZZA TO HIS HOUSE!”

Naruto jerked the phone away from his ear at the volume, noting that Kiba had hung up. 

“Huh, I didn’t know you could rage-quit a phone call.”

  
_First Attempt_

It was several hours later that Naruto found himself crouched in the immaculate bushes outside Sasuke’s ridiculous mansion of a house. Kiba had refused to answer any of Naruto’s calls or texts (no matter how absolutely hilarious they were), so he was forced to go with the oldie-but-not-that-goodie of prank pizza delivery. He wiped the sweat away from his brow; ordering pizza from the 30 minutes or less variety before he had even gotten dressed meant an all out sprint to Sasuke’s. He knelt in the snow, inching closer to becoming a Naruto-popsicle by the minute, until he finally saw the beacon of holy revenge.

The Domino’s delivery car valiantly pulled up to Sasuke’s house, the chains on their tires grinding to a slow halt on the fresh snow. A disgruntled looking teen exited the car in full winter gear, kicking the door closed violently after retrieving the pizzas. She waited at the door, tapping her foot impatiently. Clearly, she did not join in on Naruto’s adoration of this most wonderful time of the year. 

Naruto repressed a giggle as he anticipated the look on Sasuke’s face. It could be a delicious concoction of confusion, mixed with anger.

The mirth died in Naruto’s throat as the person who opened the door wasn’t Sasuke. It looked a hell of a lot like Sasuke, they wore the same boring ass dark blue get up, but this man was taller and older.

Itachi. He must be home from grad school on winter break. It seemed a bit early though…

Itachi looked down at the pizzas, fished a wallet out of his back pocket and produced a pair of twenties. Naruto’s mouth fell open as he waved the change away, seeming to give her an incredible tip. The teenager nearly skipped back to her car, cheery as ol' Saint Nick, and took off.

What just happened? How could his prank go so wrong that he actually..did them a favor? 

Naruto cried out theatrically, throwing himself onto the ground and rolling around like a distressed child. Sakura’s honor would never be redeemed!

The sound of a throat clearing caught his attention and he immediately stopped, attempting to assume the position of someone casually lounging in the snow. He looked up to see Sasuke, wearing not one but two scarfs over what looked to be pijamas.

“What the hell are you doing?”

 Naruto would have winced at that glare if he wasn’t numb inside from the cold.

 “Um….” Unable to think of a good excuse, Naruto leapt to his feet and bolting away from Sasuke, muttering about stupid ass snow days and rich bastards.

   
_Second Attempt_  

Opting for stealth, he had dressed in his father’s hunting coat. While it was camoflauge, it was also about two sizes too big and made him look rather suspicious from his perch behind the same bush as yesterday, although now it was late at night. The darkness that had descended with the coming of winter solstice was banished by the snow; the street lamps and christmas lights bounced off the blanket of white, setting the night aglow.

 He had cajoled Kiba into finally speaking to him again, and with their heads together they had come up with ‘operation suddenly snowmen’.

“Bro, how terrifying would it be to wake up to a bunch of snowmen pressed up against the window?

They crept onto the lawn together, their feet crunching through the snow and onto the layer of ice formed beneath it. They giggled quietly like children as they rolled up ball after ball, sliding them against the living room windows (of which there were far too many). They put rocks from the frozen fish pond in the faces of the snowmen, giving them frowny faces, and little stick arms that seemed to claw at the window.

Unfortunately, if there was any initial panic, it was missed by the boys for when they arrived the next morning to survey the chaos, they bore witness to a snowman massacre delivered courtesy of one Uchiha Sasuke armed with a shovel. The unholy glee with which he delivered each fatal blow was enough to send Naruto and co. fleeing for dear life.

  
_The Final Attempt_

 

After four straight days of pranking, Naruto still hadn’t found anything that seemed to shake Sasuke. Desperate times call for desperate measures.

- _Fifty desperate minutes earlier_ -

“What about...a flaming bag?”

Naruto made a face at Kiba. “What is this, the 90s? I’m not going to put a flaming bag of dog shit on his doorstep. That’s just, gross.”

Kiba's shook his head, growing more excited by the minute. “No, no! What if we _act_ like it’s a flaming bag of dog shit, but it’s just an empty bag! So instead of just stamping it out like you normally could, he’ll have to go get water or something to avoid the dog shit he _thinks_ is in the bag!”

“Trickery, and inconvenience? Yes!”

And so Naruto had set about his work, waiting in the bushes with lighter and bag in hand for everyone else to leave. As Mikoto rolled her Jaguar XJ, complete with studded tires and heated seats (he assumed) out of the driveway, he sneaked out from his incredible hiding spot and tiptoed out to the stoop. 

He made to light the paper with glee. Much to his dismay, however, before he could execute ‘operation false flame’ the door was flung open by an extremely displeased Sasuke.

“What. Are you. Doing.”

Man, Sasuke looked like he was about to explode the way his face was contorted.

 “Nothing!” He flung the bag behind him and tried to grin inconspicuously. “I’m, uh, caroling! Ahem, TIS THE SEASON TO BE JOLLY, FA LA LA LA- Ahh!”

Naruto was pulled inside the house and the door was slammed behind him. He blinked nervously, wondering if I fist fight in this moment would count as breaking his promise to Sakura, because the look on Sasuke’s face suggested that was where they were headed. 

“Why are you so obsessed with my brother?” 

Que record scratch; that was about the last thing he expected Sasuke to say. “What?”

Sasuke stepped forward, backing Naruto into the wall and getting into his face. “What’s so great about him? Why do you keep coming around here, trying to get his attention?”

Naruto would have pushed him away, but he was still too confused to figure it out.

“Tell me.” Sasuke’s words were pure venom.

“What the hell are you talking about, Sasuke?” He blinked.

“Don’t play dumb Naruto. I don’t share.”

And then Sasuke did the unthinkable. He kissed Naruto.

Naruto’s brain came to a complete halt at the feel of Sasuke against him. They had been close before, plenty of times, but it had always been much more violent and less...tingly. Sasuke’s hands felt him up like a nymphomaniac fresh out of solitary confinement, one finally resting on his hip and the other behind his neck.

After planting the most incredible kiss of Naruto’s life on the poor boy, Sasuke pulled away with a satisfied smirk. And Naruto, our brave hero, screamed.

He screamed until he found his feet, at which point he ran, still screaming, all the way back to his house.

 

  
**Part 3** : _The Queero We Deserve_

 

Naruto paced up and down his bedroom, in front of two of his most brilliant friends who were seated on his bed.

Finally, Naruto stopped abruptly before them, apparently having gathered his thoughts. “I have assembled this committee,” Gaara blinked, and Shikamaru snorted. “Because I face a trial unlike anything before. I need your council.”

There was an awkward silence before Shikamaru stretched and stood up. “Naruto, I told you if you needed help on that paper for Health you had to ask me before break started, so I’m gonna go.”

Gaara nodded. “I’ll take his RPGs. This speech..upsets me.”

“No! Guys! I need you!”

They opened his bedroom door and were about to exit when Naruto fell to his knees and blurted out his desperation. 

“IneedyourhelpbecauseSasukekissedme!”

The two boys froze. Shikamaru leveled a questioning look at Gaara, who answered the unasked question by raising the space where his eyebrows should be. With a sigh, Shika returned to sit on the bed. Naruto threw puppy eyes at Gaara, who still stood in his doorway.

“Naruto.”

“Yes?” He asked hopefully. 

“Did you just say that Sasuke kissed you?”

“Uh...yeah.”

There was a cracking sound and Naruto realized it was from Gaara’s clenched fists. “Shall I...end him?”

Naruto made a horrified face at his friend. “No! No, that’s the problem, I think.” His head hung at his chest after the confession.

Quietly, Gaara rejoined Shikamaru on the bed.

“Well?” Shika asked.

Naruto proceeded to explain the prank war gone wrong and the days leading up to the extremely confusing event of earlier that morning. 

When he was finished, Gaara and Shikamaru looked at each other meaningfully before Gaara conceded.

“Naruto, when you think of Sasuke, what do you think of?” 

Naruto couldn’t help the heat that rushed to his face at the image that played in his head; Sasuke leaning into him, pressing his soft lips against Naruto’s, the hand on the back of his neck. He coughed, choking on his own spit. “I..uh, the kiss?”

Gaara resisted the mighty urge to roll his eyes. “Before that.”

He bit at his lip, thinking. “I guess, I think of like..passion? Is that weird to say? Because he just always talks shit about the things I care about, and contradicts me, and we argue, but it’s exciting?” He knew he was rambling, but he couldn’t get himself to stop. “He’s consistent. I actually guess I spend a lot of time thinking about him. Ya know, how to piss him off, of what a good comeback would be to something he says. I know it’s stupid but no one riles me up like he does. Or..did. I don’t know if it’s going to change now. But it was fun, while it lasted.”

Shikamaru sighed heavily, drawing Naruto’s attention. “What?” 

“Naruto, why are you even doing these pranks? Sakura can’t see them. She’ll never know. And you don’t even get the added laugh of the classroom.”

Naruto chewed at the inside of his cheek in thought.

“I think it’s because you like the attention.”

“Pfft, way to make me sound like a 5 year old.” Naruto rolled his eyes.

“Are you denying the charge?” Gaara’s deep voice rumbled. 

“Think about it,” Shika said with exasperation. “Sasuke doesn’t pay attention to anyone else at school, except you. They might as well be ghosts unless they are in a group project.” 

“You have a connection,” Gaara added. “While most of us tune you out, Sasuke engages.”

“With that much passion and obsession, sex logically follows.”

Naruto sputtered, feeling himself turn red. “Sex?! Jesus, he just kissed me!”

Shikamaru shrugged. “I’m just saying. Agitation is still arousal. After years of fighting, you are tuned into each other.”

The blonde scrubbed at his face, feeling stupid. “Has it always been this way?” 

Gaara shook his head. “I don’t believe it started this way. Perhaps you have grown on each other.”

“At least now we know why Sasuke doesn’t pay attention to girls.”

Naruto tilted his head. “What? Why?”

Shikamaru smirked. “Duh. He’s gay.” 

And so, Naruto returned to the scene of the crime. He casually kicked the paper bag from earlier underneath some of the new snow as he walked up to the stoop. 

Girding up his balls, Naruto puffed out his chest

Sweet, merciful baby jesus, Sasuke answered the door. He was scowling, but at least he answered. “Dobe. What are you wearing?” 

“Protection,” Naruto said, though it came out muffled. He had wrapped a half dozen scarves around his neck and mouth, to prevent any surprise kissing.

Sasuke crossed his arms. “No one needs that many scarves, dumbass. What the hell do you want?”

“Can we talk?” Naruto asked, although from under his scarves it came out more like, “cam me malk?”

Sasuke reached forward and yanked down two of the scarves, earning a yipe from Naruto. “I can’t understand what the hell you’re saying, idiot.”

Sasuke had yet to speak to open his mouth without insulting him, but Naruto was unperturbed by such an obstacle.

“I..uh,” Naruto sputtered, feeling a little naked around the chin. “I wanted to talk.”

“About what?” Sasuke had started tapping his foot. Not a good sign.

“Uh..earlier?”

“Fuck off.

Sasuke tried to slam the door, but Naruto was prepared for this. He stuck his heavy boot between the door and the frame, just in time to prevent it from closing all the way. Sasuke stared at the offending boot as though it had just insulted his mother. He opened the door again, but before Naruto could get more of himself inside, Sasuke was slamming it on his foot again. He tried several more times, and Naruto was thanking all the gods he could think of that he wore these particular boots.

Waiting till Sasuke paused in the abuse of Naruto’s foot, he cleared his throat. “Can I come in?”

Sasuke's expression could sour milk. “Whatever.”

He turned away from the door, and Naruto leapt inside before Sasuke could change his mind. In an attempt to be polite, Naruto took off his coat and hung it by the door. He also removed the scarves one by one, placing them beside his coat. Then he went searching for Sasuke in the maze of rooms that was his house, finally finding him in the kitchen.

Sasuke was leaning against a marble countertop, angrily crunching at a crisp red apple. His posture was ridgid, and the shirt he was wearing left little to Naruto’s imagination, overall making him look damn sexy.

Sasuke, as sexy? Man, this was a whole new world to get used to.

“Hey, Sasuke.”

“What?” His voice cracked like a whip.

It was at that exact moment Naruto realized he didn’t know what the hell he wanted to say. This was because he didn’t want to talk, per se. He was more interested in something more physical. 

He walked toward Sasuke, who had put his apple to the side, until he stood right in front of the other boy.

“I want to do it again.”

Sasuke raised an eyebrow. “What?”

“I want to do it again,” He repeated. “The...kissing thing.”

Sasuke examined him sternly. “Is this a joke? Another stupid‘ prank’?”

Naruto fidgeted where he stood, bouncing a little with nervous energy. “Uh, no.”

He glared at him anyway. “Why?”

Naruto returned the dirty look. “What do you mean why? Why did you kiss me in the first place?" 

A light pink dusted the very top Sasuke’s cheekbones.

“Whatever,” Sasuke snapped, but leaned in anyway, until he was hovering so close to Naruto’s face that he could feel Sasuke’s breath blowing in shallow puffs against his face. He could feel that connection Gaara had talked about, but stronger than when they were fighting. Sasuke was completely focused on him, his dark eyes locked onto Naruto’s and he realized he liked it. He liked Sasuke’s undivided attention. Just like he enjoyed being the only one to rile Sasuke up the way he did at school, he found an irrational pleasure at knowing Sasuke had probably never looked at another person the way he was looking at him now.

Naruto wet his lips, and Sasuke’s eyes were drawn to the movement. Naruto’s heart was beating so hard it almost hurt, finally closing the distance on his own and pressing their mouths together. It wasn’t as skilled as Sasuke’s had been, and it didn’t last as long. Still, Naruto found he was panting like he’d run marathon. 

“That was…”

Sasuke’s face was still hard, but there was something like concern in his eyes. “What?”

“Good. It’s different than..what we usually do.”

Sasuke blinked a few times. “You...liked it?”

“Uh..yeah,” Naruto felt his face crack into a grin. “ 

A cocky smirk spread across Sasuke’s lips.

 “So..what do you want to do now?” Naruto asked. “Do we listen to Same Love and cry?”

“Hn. No.”

Sasuke pushed against him, bringing their bodies flush together and moving hips lips against Naruto’s. Prepared this time, Naruto responded by kissing back. He pressed back against Sasuke, wondering why in the hell it took them so long to figure this out. Then his mind wondered to what they could be doing right now if they had started this sooner, and he felt his cock twitch in his pants.

Naruto pulled at him greedily, but as quickly as he had come, Sasuke was gone. Naruto opened his eyes to see Sasuke walking toward a staircase he hadn’t realized was there until this moment. As he climbed the stairs, Sasuke turned back to Naruto. 

“Coming?”

“God, I hope so.”

 (Stop here for 18+)

 Naruto charged up the stairs after Sasuke, following him to his bedroom. Sasuke closed the door quickly, shoving Naruto down onto his bed before he could get a good look around the room.

“Jeez, pushy.” He said, propping himself up on his elbows.

He was quickly distracted when Sasuke climbing on top of him, straddling his hips. 

“Naruto.” 

Sasuke's voice was deep and husky, making it hard for Naruto to swallow. “Yeah?” 

“Do you know how long I have wanted you here in my bed?” 

The question went straight to Naruto’s dick. His heart pounded in his chest, and he realized now what all of the adults meant when they said someone was ‘thinking with their dick’. He felt himself motivated by a force he had never experienced before; it was a need. He needed to feel Sasuke wholly. 

He pulled Sasuke on top of him, bringing their mouths together. Sasuke groaned into the kiss when his hips rocked on top of Naruto’s, and he felt Sasuke’s erection. It felt so fucking good. 

“Why didn’t we do this sooner?” Naruto panted between kisses. 

“Shut up.” Sasuke growled, and he slid his tongue into Naruto’s mouth. It was Naruto’s turn to groan, sliding his tongue against the foreign one in his mouth. 

They wrestled while they kissed and rubbed against each other, struggling to be the first to undress the other. When Naruto was on top, he quickly divested himself and Sasuke of their shirts, cheering inwardly about not having to worry about undoing a complicated bra. And frankly, the bulge in Sasuke’s pants was more interesting to him than any experience with a girl had been (much to his surprise). He was staring at it when Sasuke took the distraction as an opportunity, leaning up and taking one of Naruto’s nipples between his teeth. It was rough, and Naruto gasped in the slight pain.

“Focus, idiot.”

Naruto would have normally rolled his eyes, but he couldn’t stop the smile on his face. They had been close so many times before, bodies connected in a fight, but never tangled like this. It felt new at the same time it felt familiar.

Sasuke sucked at his neck hard enough to leave a mark, and Naruto felt their competitiveness creeping in. He pushed Sasuke back, biting and sucking at his chest, leaving a dark red mark.

Somehow, Naruto had missed Sasuke unbuttoning his pants. His erection strained there, and Sasuke ran a hand across it before squeezing the outline lightly. Naruto rocked his hips into the feeling and made to undo Sasuke’s pants, but his hands were smacked away. Instead, Sasuke pushed him off and knelt between Naruto’s knees. He held Naruto’s gaze as he unzipped the jeans and slowly pulled them down, his cock bobbing slightly as they were removed. Naruto’s head swam with anticipation, losing all sense of competition as Sasuke hurriedly pulled off his shoes to get his pants all the way off, discarding them in a heap off the side of the bed. He climbed on top of Naruto again, their bare chests pressing together.

“Do you want to do this?” Sasuke asked, although his voice dripped with need.

Naruto answered by grabbing Sasuke’s ass and pushing his hard length against Sasuke’s. “What do you think?” 

Sasuke smirked, biting at his lip before kissing and sucking his way down Naruto’s chest, giving attention to each of his nipples. Naruto had never been his hard in his life, and he had to restrain himself from just pushing Sasuke’s head down onto his dick.

“Holy shit Sasuke, you don’t know what you’re doing to me.” Naruto found himself saying.

There was a deep chuckle and Naruto looked down to see Sasuke hovering just above his dick. “I think I do, actually.”

 His warm, pale hand dipped into his boxers and Naruto’s breath came out in a hiss as he wrapped his long fingers around Naruto’s cock. Sasuke’s face was flush as he started to pump the length, awkward through the boxers. Once he deemed that Naruto was comfortable, he pulled them down too so that the blond man was naked under him. 

Sasuke ran his hands along Naruto’s soft, tan skin, soaking up the sight of his new lover.

 “Fuck,” He breathed.

“What?”

Sasuke looked him in the eye again, and a thrill went through Naruto’s body. “You’re fucking hot.”

Before Naruto could say something stupid (which he had, in fact, been planning to), Sasuke grabbed his cock again, watching as Naruto flung his head back against the bed. Naruto felt Sasuke experiment with the strokes, reading his body as the tried fast strokes, slow strokes, and varying degrees of pressure. When Naruto felt he was close to coming, Sasuke slowed back down and Naruto looked down just in time to see Sasuke’s mouth close around the head of his penis.

“Oh FUCK!” Naruto cried, the sensation shooting pleasure down to the base of his cock.

 Sasuke licked around the head, lapping at the underside as he sucked and massaged the head with his lips.

 The sensation was way too much, and he knew he wasn’t going to last long. When Sasuke’s hand gripped the base and started to jerk him off again, he groaned loud. “Sasuke, I’m close.”

He had expected Sasuke to back off, but instead he went double time. His hand gripped harder as it moved and he dipped his head to take more of Naruto into his mouth. Naruto was out of his mind with pleasure, and moment later he was cumming hard into Sasuke’s mouth. There was a pause when the first spirt of cum hit Sasuke, but the other man took in a breath through his nose and kept working him until Naruto’s cock went limp. 

When his breathing finally slowed, Sasuke leaned over and kissed his throat. Naruto pushed his chin up, capturing his lips in an energetic kiss. 

“Holy shit, Sasuke. That was fucking amazing.”

“I know. I was there.”

Naruto smirked. “Are you ever not a bastard?”

“I don’t think I was when I had your dick in my mouth.”

“I really didn’t expect you to swallow. Was that your first time?”

Sasuke clapped a hand over Naruto’s mouth, but he could tell from the blush that it was.

“Stop. Talking.”

Naruto grabbed Sasuke’s wrist and pulled it down so that he could suck and nip teasingly at one of Sasuke’s fingers.

“Maybe you should give me something else to do with my mouth.”

Sasuke could only nod.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading this!! 
> 
>  
> 
> On a personal, very sad note, I want to take a second and say I’m sorry to anyone who has ever lost a companion/service animal. It was a really traumatic experience that I wasn’t prepared for, and there are not a lot of resources for it. I ended up reliving the shit we had gone through together and it was a really dark time. Thank you for the love, support, and understanding. Happiest of holidays, to all of you. Go get your festive on.


End file.
